The Rules

*We interrupt your regularly-scheduled workday for this lesson in Office Etiquette:101*

I work in an office of all men. I am, literally, the only woman in the building. It has it's perks. It also can drive me to drink some days. Some days like today.

Which brings me to my latest post...a little lesson for men in the area of office etiquette...which I may or may not post on the break room wall 10 minutes from now.

Rules For Being in an Office With a Woman:

1. Please keep all bodily functions, noises, and smells limited to the bathroom or the Shop. I am not certain what kind of a home your wife runs, but in this building I don't need to smell, hear, or see something that came from inside of you. Your wife might think it's cute. Heck, she might even join in. This woman, however, does not see the humor in those sort of shenanigans.
2. Please do not rely on curse words as your adjectives/adverbs of choice. I suppose that swearing like a sailor has it's place. That place would be on a ship. In the ocean. Far, far away from my earshot. Hearing the f-bomb multiple times in the course of one sentence is ridiculous. If you must discuss the "effin' great time you and your effin' kids had on effin' vacation" do so, again, in the bathroom or the Shop.
3. Please do not get into my desk. For any reason. Ever. Period. Amen. I have very very little space in this office that is mine. That space is my desk. I have 3 drawers and I claim every last inch of them. If you need paperclips, pens, envelopes, tape, etc., etc., etc. I would be happy to give them to you. If you ask me first. Also, It doesn't make it "okay" to get in my desk while I'm sitting at it. In fact, that might make it worse. Again, not sure what kind of a home your wife runs, but a woman's desk is just like her purse. You just don't touch it, lest you should retract a bloody stub.
4. Please do not randomly take things from my printer. The reasons are simple, and very similar to the reasons associated with #3. One addition: It does not matter to me if you assume what I've printed is for you. You can't possibly know that. It could be for you. It could also be my plans to blow up the office because you've burped the alphabet one too many times this week. That's just not a risk you should take.
5. Please do not sit on my counter and stare at the side of my head. I enjoy socializing. Shockingly enough, I enjoy socializing with most of you, but only when my work is done. If I am typing while looking at my computer screen I am most likely Facebooking or blogging working. (Or I'm pretending to Facebook or blog work so you'll go away.) Some of us do have things to do. Sitting on my counter and staring at me will not magically cause me to want to socialize with you or listen about what an "effin' good time you had at the effin' Hank Williams Junior concert you effin' went to in effin' Arkansas."
6. Please do not use my bathroom. Ever. There is a men's bathroom for you to use. It's fun in there. You can use whatever language you choose. You can make obscene noises 'til your little heart's content. You can even leave the seat up! My bathroom has rules. You don't like rules, do you? I didn't think so.
7. Please do not show me the horrendously offensive pictures you have on your cell phone. I'm really not even certain why you would think I would want to see those, but I do NOT. Once again, I'm not sure what sort of a home your wife runs (or why she would forward you a picture of a 600-pound woman naked) but around these parts that just doesn't fly. A good rule of thumb: if you and your buddies would laugh at the picture while standing in the back corner of the Shop, I'll probably think it's offensive or gross. Err on the side of caution and just show me pictures of baby animals or George Strait. Thanks.

Please feel free to print your own copy of "Rules For Being in an Office With a Woman" and redistribute as needed. Now I need to get going...I have some things to post in the break room.

*We now return you to your regularly-scheduled workday already in progress*