Callused

I remember the first time I watched "The Passion Of The Christ." I was still in my rebellion phase. I was raised in the church and found salvation at an early age...but made the decision after high school to walk away from my faith and the church to make my own way in the world. When Passion came out in 2004 my parents' church bought tickets for the entire congregation to see it together, for free. My parents invited me to come along.

I remember sitting in that theater watching, horrified, as they beat Jesus nearly to death. I remember trying to fight the tears as He made His way down the Via Dolorosa towards Golgotha, where He would be crucified. By the time Jesus fell under the weight of the cross and Mary came to his side I couldn't pretend to be unaffected any longer. I thought of my own brother. I thought of my Mom. I thought of what a huge sacrifice God was making, allowing His Son to suffer such unfathomable pain and torture.

Through the rest of the movie - the painfully long journey to Golgotha, the pain and brutality of the crucifixion, and the amazing hope portrayed in the resurrection - I cried quietly. It was like my eyes were reopened to what Christianity was truly about. It reminded me that we are able to look forward to an eternity in Heaven because of the pain Jesus endured and the prophecies he fulfilled by making that sacrifice.

I walked away from that movie deeply impacted. In my humanness I fell back into old behaviors and continued running from God until He finally caught me late in 2005, but the impact of that movie never left me.

Fast forward from Easter 2004 to Easter 2009, five years later.

We sat down as a Life Group to watch The Passion together last night. I came expecting to be impacted. I came expecting to cry. I did not come expecting to walk away with my eyes opened and my heart softened all over again.

The only way I can think to describe the impact it made on me is to describe a callus. I have heard the story of Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday many, many times. I knew it from beginning to end. It had become so familiar it lost some of it's wonder. It had created a callus on my heart, and that callus wasn't allowing me to feel as much as God had intended me to feel. God used last night and a simple movie to remove that callus from my heart. He took the callus that was once there and left the new, fresh, sensitivity that was hiding underneath.

Today, I am very close to my tears. Songs that were once "overplayed" now hold amazing meaning and messages. For the first time in a long time Christ and His sacrifice are nearly all I can think about. I am looking forward to Good Friday and Easter Sunday like I never have before.

So today, as I sit at my desk and feel tears welling up as a certain song plays I won't try to fight them, and I won't change to a different song. I'll simply say "thank you" and praise Him for restoring my heart and reopening my eyes to the unfathomable love He has for us.




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Listening to: Jeremy Camp - I Am Nothing